All In

Half-hearted

A mother called me with a question about one of her children. In the background, I could hear the door to the room repeatedly opening and closing, accompanied by the nearly constant whining tone of a child who was interrupting Mom with a variety of requests/demands.

I answered the mother’s specific question, but then I said, “Your daughter has whined and interrupted you throughout this entire conversation. Did you notice that?”

“Not as much as she used to,” Mom said, clearly defending her daughter with her tone, and indicating that she believed her daughter had improved considerably.

“You are allowing WAY more than Zero Tolerance, my dear. Way more. That amount of whining and interrupting speaks volumes about what you’re doing with her.

"I have no need to criticize you, but you have asked me to help you with your children, so I am trying to help you see what is really happening, so you can make a choice about what you want to do.”

With a few questions I learned that:

• Mom had just finished Chapter Four (of nine) of the Ridiculously Effective Parenting Training, even though she’d been working on it for several months. That is very slow progress and indicates minimal commitment.
• Her children still whined a lot, despite her assessment that it was “less than it used to be.”
• Mom was applying consequences sometimes, but they were inconsistent and often not completed.

The moment I heard the repeated whining of the child on the call, and watched how Mom responded, I knew that Mom was half-heartedly applying the principles that she had claimed she wanted and needed more than air.

Half-measures Do Not Work

Half-measures simply do not work. Look at these examples:

1. Imagine that water is slowly dripping from the ceiling of your living room. The ceiling is bowing down, and the water is warping the wood floor of the room.

•  Your solution? You put a bucket under the drip, to minimize the effect on the room.
•   Effect? The leak of the ROOF continues, rotting the underlying plywood and trusses, and eventually the roof collapses over a large section of the house.

2. About half the time you flip a light switch in your bedroom, there is a brief spark.

• Your solution? You wear gloves to flip that switch, and you use the switch as seldom as possible. You make a note to call an electrician.
• Effect? One day the spark occurs while you’re not in the room, while the light is on, and your home burns to the ground.

I could go on with similar examples for volumes. With many things, half-measures not only fail to produce a desirable result, but even lead to problems that require enormous effort to remedy, or even lead to complete failure or disaster.

You Must Be “All In” in Your Parenting

This principle is similar with children, who are far more important than a leaky roof or a sparking light switch. You MUST pay attention—full attention. Once you find principles that are effective, you can’t half-heartedly learn them or apply them.

You must be “all in,” or you might as well just stand back while your children parent themselves and ruin their lives. I make no effort here to alarm anyone. I simply share many years of experience with watching people use half-measures with their children.

You can read a great deal more about half-measures in the following blogs from RealLove.com:

 Half Measures Usually Do Not Lead to Half Results

 Nails and Half-Measures

 Using a Hammer

 Half a Bridge–and Finding Love 

 Splitting Wood

 The Mathematics of Love

 With the Wind or Against It

To a similar end, you can also watch the Video Answer, Signs of Narcissism in Children on RealLoveParents.com

Never be satisfied with half-measures as a parent. This is not to imply that you need to control everything they do, but you DO need to be consistent about loving and teaching them—be all in—and to be keenly aware of the signs that there might be an underlying problem that needs to be addressed.